Many of us want to make changes in our lives — whether changing a bad habit like smoking or overeating, creating a new habit like meditation, or simply being less distracted or reactive during the day.
Whatever the change, you’re likely to face internal resistance. There is a part of you that doesn’t want to change.
If you want to change your eating habits, a part of you just wants to eat the doughnuts. If you want to exercise more, a part of you just wants to be lazy and relax. If you want to have less drama in your life, there’s a part of you that gets off on the drama. If you want to write a book and change people’s lives, a part of you wants to stay in the safety of anonymity or the life you already know.
This part of you will fight against the part that wants to create the change.
Here’s the counterintuitive advice: Own that part of you that doesn’t want to change.
Until you own this part of you, you’re constantly trying to ignore it, repress it, squash it. Committing violence against a part of you doesn’t make it go away — it will strengthen it. Trying to ignore it means it will keep mysteriously controlling you.
So how do you own it? First, acknowledge that a part of you is creating resistance. You’re not a victim of your circumstances; you’re a creator of your life. Notice when this part shows up — if you committed to a whole-food diet, notice the part that wants to eat the potato chips.
When this part shows up, honour it. What does it feel like to be distracted or reactive? What does it feel like to feel helpless or frustrated? What does it feel like to be fearful and avoidant? Can you notice the feelings in your body? Can you give it attention and presence?
Could you even love this part of you? Could you find the amazingness in the part of you that creates all of this, that enjoys the distraction and helplessness and laziness and indulgence and drama? Could you delight in the drama you create, in the theatre you create, the art of your inner slob or inner tantrum thrower? Find the deliciousness and wonder in what it creates.
Once you start to love and delight and find delicious pleasure in this part of you, it no longer needs to be in control. It is loved and honoured, which is all it ever wanted. You can move beyond it to another way — though it will still be there, you no longer have to fight it when it does show up. You love it.
Counterintuitively, this relaxes everything. There’s no need to change this part of you because it is beautiful and sacred. And without needing to change it, you can embrace the expansive change that is more than this one part of you.
